i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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