I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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