I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
