I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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