I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
