Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
