I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done