The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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