they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
