I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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