i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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