Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
