I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
