I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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