I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
