i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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