I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
someone owes me an orgasm
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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