I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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