i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
