OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
