the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
