drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
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It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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