my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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