I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
