I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
