I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
