if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
