someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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