Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
