one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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