Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
