well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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