Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
do herpes really smell.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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