Having a random hookup so left but love u
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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