Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
