She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
