just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
