Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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