He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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