i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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