Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
