cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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