I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
