There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
