Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
