someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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