WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
