my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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