Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
