are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
