Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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