It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
