Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
