i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Too much gin, very little bucket
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
