Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
