As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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