We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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