She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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