a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
