I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
